That’s the crazy idea I woke up with this morning. Probably not an original thought, and it seems a little shady and degrading to me. What right do I have to expect women to line up for a chance to date me? The very idea of expecting people to sell themselves, showing off their hobbies and interests, wearing something nice, and demonstrating their overall loveliness is condescending, crass and rude. Nevertheless it got me thinking. What would I be looking for in an ideal candidate?
If I do ever decide to be with someone again, I know that I want that person to be my equal. I want her to have her own interests and hobbies. With the time and effort that I’m putting into my writing, I really don’t have the time to be someone’s primary source of entertainment. She needs to have the self-confidence to know that she could have anyone, but that she chooses to spend time with me because we’re on the same page. I also want to be able to have a respectful conversation if and when either one of us decides they’d like to explore other options.
I don’t want a clone. Having an exact duplicate would only compound my weaknesses. Plus, an exact duplicate would be physically incompatible also. Sadly, I’m not gay, bi or pan. In fact my sexual interests are fairly specific. I like boobies. At least I like the ones I look at online. To my recurring frustration, the girls I date don’t look anyway near as hot as their online counterparts. I understand that I’m comparing people who have real, everyday lives, to people who make a living from being hot, and that’s hardly fair. It also wouldn’t be fair to me or my potential partner to ignore the fact I want her to be attractive, and become deeply disappointed in the relationship when I have to start lying through my teeth everyday to save her self-esteem. Plus lying about anything inevitably leads to a break up. Knowing that, I have a tendency to begin looking for an exit strategy as soon I think about lying.
Lies would be unacceptable. I prefer to trust someone completely to begin with, assuming that they are being honest with me at all times. That means that if you’re suddenly unable to do what you had planned to do, particularly if you’ve told me you would, it get disappointed. The more often I’m disappointed, the more I’m sure I’ve make a bad choice. Let me clarify. I don’t expect anyone to do anything just because I’ve asked (or told) them too. I respect that whomever-she-might-be will have her own stuff to do. I’d love it if she had her own stuff to do. She may not have the time or the opportunity to do the favor I’ve asked. I don’t want someone I need, or that needs me. I might pout a little, but I’d much rather they were too busy, than say they’d do it and then let me down.
When we have downtime, I understand that she may not wish to use all of it with me. We all need alone time, to work on ourselves and our pet projects. When we do hang out, I expect conversations about mutual interests, emotion expression of personal concerns, solutions only when requested, and also the watching of nerdy movies and tv shows, the playing of nerdy games, and a bit of playful intimacy. I’m not sure where I am on the libido scale. I know I like to look at nudity, particularly breasts, and that I thoroughly enjoy the feel of skin against skin. I know the my urges when I’m alone are often greater than when I’m with a girlfriend. I’m also aware that my choices so far, and my motivations for my choices, were not ideal. There was one girl who drew me wild when I looked at her, but her anxiety issues prevented any physical fun. It’s a real shame, because we clicked on so many other levels.
I have a silly fantasy about a woman deliberately nudging, touching and jiggling her exposed breasts as we play a nerdy card game and listen to Rob Zombie or Rammstein. Naked in the kitchen, except for an apron, is a recurring one too. She should probably expect more play and teasing from me than actual sex. Unless they’re somehow so incredibly hot that I devolve into a sex-crazed ape, which seems like an unrealistic expectation on both sides.
I guess what I’m looking for is a woman who wants to use some of her free time to play games, watch movies and let a somewhat handsome (so I’m told) british nerdy goth-on-a-budget writer fondle her breasts.